Most conversations about the nervous system focus on “calming down.” Regulate your emotions. Take deep breaths. Meditate.
And sure, those things have value—but they don’t tell the whole story.
For queer, neurodiverse, non-conforming, and chronically ill individuals, the nervous system has often been shaped by more than just stress. It has been shaped by:
- Hypervigilance from living in a world that wasn’t built for you
- Masking and performing safety in spaces that felt unsafe
- Internalized messages that made you doubt your own instincts
So when we talk about regulation, we can’t just talk about “calming down.”
We have to talk about how your body learned to survive—and how we can create new pathways for safety, connection, and liberation.
What Is Nervous System Regulation, Really?
Your nervous system is your body’s security system—it scans for danger 24/7 and responds before you even have time to think.
When your system perceives a threat, it shifts into:
🚨 Fight – Confronting or resisting the threat (anger, hypervigilance, arguing, pushing back).
🚨 Flight – Escaping the situation (restlessness, panic, avoiding, leaving).
🚨 Freeze – Becoming stuck or numb (dissociation, zoning out, feeling disconnected).
🚨 Fawn – Appeasing for safety (people-pleasing, masking, suppressing your needs).
These responses are your body doing its best to keep you safe based on what it has learned.
Why Traditional Nervous System Work Doesn’t Always Fit
Many mainstream approaches to nervous system regulation assume:
- That everyone has access to safe spaces to rest and reset.
- That “calming down” is always the goal.
- That regulation is an individual problem, not a response to systemic oppression.
But here’s the truth:
- If your body has learned that the world isn’t safe for you, simply “relaxing” won’t rewire that.
- If you’ve spent years masking, people-pleasing, or hypervigilant, those aren’t just “bad habits”—they were necessary survival strategies.
- If your body is dysregulated, it’s not because you’re broken—it’s because you adapted.
Reclaiming Safety on Your Terms: Practical Tools for Nervous System Work
Instead of forcing calm, nervous system work asks:
- What does safety feel like in your body? (Not what you were taught it should feel like.)
- What states feel familiar to you, and how did they help you survive?
- How can we create safety without forcing suppression?
Instead of just calming down, try finding what actually works for your body:
- Expand Your Definition of Safety – Safety isn’t just about absence of danger; it’s about connection, belonging, and freedom. Where do you feel most like yourself? Who sees you fully? Your system regulates in spaces where you don’t have to perform.
- Meet Your Body Where It Is – If your system is in fight or flight, instead of forcing relaxation, try shaking out your hands, stomping your feet, or engaging in movement. If you’re in freeze, try pressing your hands into something solid and reminding yourself, I am here.
- Use Voice and Sound – The vagus nerve (which controls nervous system regulation) responds to humming, singing, and even cursing. If you’ve had to keep your voice small in order to be safe, finding ways to express sound can help unlock regulation.
- Practice “Micro-Regulation” – If stillness feels overwhelming, try small, doable actions:
- Squeeze and release your hands.
- Name five things you see in the room.
- Gently rock your body to mimic self-soothing movements.
- Reject the Idea That You Need to “Fix” Yourself – Your body is not wrong. Your responses are not failures. The goal isn’t to erase them—it’s to build capacity to move through different states with more ease.
Rewiring the Nervous System Through Imagination & Visualization
Our minds are incredibly powerful, but too often, we use that power against ourselves. We imagine worst-case scenarios, replay painful memories, and anticipate rejection or failure before it even happens. This is the nervous system on autopilot—using past experiences to predict the future.
- Survival Mode Imagination: “What if I mess this up? What if they don’t like me? What if I fail?”
- Thriving Mode Imagination: “What if I succeed? What if I am loved? What if I am safe?”
The good news? Imagination can be rewired. Just like we’ve trained our brains to anticipate danger, we can train them to anticipate safety, connection, and success. This is where visualization becomes a tool for nervous system healing.
How Visualization Supports Regulation & Healing
- Neuroscience backs it up: Studies show that when we visualize something, our brains activate as if it’s actually happening. This means that imagining safety can start creating real safety in the body.
- It rewrites survival scripts: If your past experiences have wired you to expect abandonment, failure, or rejection, visualization helps create new neural pathways where different outcomes are possible.
- It shifts our focus from avoidance to expansion: Instead of only preparing for what we don’t want, visualization teaches us to focus on what we do want—and that shift opens up new ways of being.
Try This: A Simple Visualization Exercise for Regulation
- Close your eyes and picture a moment when you felt truly safe and grounded. It doesn’t have to be big—it could be lying in the sun, holding a pet, or laughing with a friend.
- Notice how your body responds. Does your breath slow? Do your shoulders relax? This is your nervous system registering safety.
- Now, visualize yourself moving through a challenging situation with ease. Imagine speaking your needs with confidence, handling stress calmly, or resting without guilt.
- Hold onto that feeling. Your body now has a new reference point—a reminder that safety and thriving are possible.
By practicing this, you’re not just thinking differently—you’re regulating differently.
From Surviving to Thriving: Using Nervous System Work to Expand Possibility
Recognizing your survival patterns is powerful, but awareness alone isn’t enough. The next step is learning how to shift from surviving to thriving—to create a body and mind that don’t just react to the past but actively shape the future.
🌱 Surviving looks like:
- Avoiding risks to prevent failure or rejection
- Saying “yes” when you mean “no” out of fear of losing connection
- Being stuck in over-analysis or shutdown instead of taking action
🌿 Thriving looks like:
- Expanding your capacity for joy, pleasure, and possibility
- Trusting yourself enough to take action without needing certainty
- Feeling safe in your body—not because nothing bad will ever happen, but because you know you can handle it
How to Shift from Survival to Thriving
Recognize survival patterns with curiosity, not judgment. Instead of “Why am I like this?” try “What has this pattern been protecting me from?”
Use visualization to create new possibilities. Ask yourself, “What does thriving look and feel like for me?” The clearer the vision, the easier it is for your nervous system to step into it.
Finally, engage in nervous system work that expands, rather than just calms. Movement, breathwork, and mindfulness aren’t just for regulating down—they can also help you build capacity for more joy, pleasure, and confidence.
When we move from survival to thriving, we stop just avoiding harm and start actively creating the life we want.
Healing in Community: Why Regulation Isn’t Just an Individual Task
Regulation doesn’t happen in isolation. Queer and neurodiverse healing is collective. We regulate best in spaces where we feel:
- Seen, not analyzed.
- Affirmed, not tolerated.
- Connected, not forced to change.
If you’ve spent your life adapting to unsafe environments, regulation starts with being in spaces where you don’t have to.
At Shadowbox Therapy, we don’t do “just breathe through it” therapy. We work with the full reality of your experience—honoring what your body has learned and creating new ways forward.
Curious how resistance plays into regulation? Read Why I Welcome Resistance.
Want to explore nervous system work in therapy? Join the waitlist below.
